How to Set Good Boundaries and Maintain Them
In the past couple years, I have learned more about the importance of boundaries than I have in my entire life. I used to keep adjusting my boundaries to fit each relationship. Now I understand that boundaries are about your relationship with yourself and your own values.
It took me a while to come to this understanding because I have always avoided confrontation and want to see everyone else around me happy, but I know I have allowed people to walk all over me and it has always left me depleted and feeling bad about myself.
The concept of setting boundaries was a tough one for me to wrap my head around because I felt like it was wrong, like I was putting a wall up and being too rigid. It felt uncomfortable for me to start saying no, to turn people away, to stick up for myself when someone wasn’t treating me right. I realize now that I feel uncomfortable because I hadn’t put this into practice before, or I had at times but was matched by a seemingly bigger, relentless bully and simply grew exhausted to fight back anymore so I stopped trying.
It has taken me a while to learn how to stop giving away all my power, how to love myself again and know that I am worthy and that I don’t have to be someone’s doormat.
Here’s what I learned about setting boundaries and why it’s actually an act of self-love.
1. No boundaries = low self-esteem
This used to describe me. I shudder to think of that time, and it wasn't so long ago. The first step of change is admitting this. After all, what's the point of saying we want to grow if we're not going to be honest with ourselves about where we are now? I say this because many people don't know what their boundaries are, when in fact they should roll off your tongue. Your boundaries are your values. They are based on how you feel about someone, something, or a situation.
2. Decide what your core values are
Who are you? What do you value? Figure out what you're comfortable with and what you aren't. For example, I don't like to do business after work hours, so I don't accept work calls after 6 p.m. In my relationship, I value quality time each day and 100% honesty at all times. Once you get clear on what matters most to you, then you can take the bigger step of communicating this to others.
For example, my boundaries with limiting my work time is about honoring the fact that I tend to get overwhelmed by my busy work schedule so I need to shut it off every day in order to maintain balance in my life. This boundary is to reduce my stress levels and not about avoiding others' phone calls.
3. You can't change others, only yourself
We all want others to change sometimes. I mean, that's part of the human experience, but we cannot change others. We are not responsible for what comes out of their mouth, the daily choices they make, or their reactions. Since you can't change other people, change how you react to them.
4. Decide the consequences ahead of time
So what do we do if someone pushes our boundaries? Decide what the consequences are. For example, if a friend calls me repeatedly during a time frame I had shared I would not to be able to talk, I simply don’t answer the phone. The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences is by sitting down quietly with yourself and honoring your needs.
5. Let your behavior, not your words, speak for you
People have and will continue to test your boundaries. Present your boundaries clearly to people and then let your behavior do the talking. People will test, push, and disrespect your limits. You'll know you're getting healthier when this doesn't get an emotional reaction out of you.
6. Say what you mean, and mean what you say
The biggest part of boundaries is how clearly you communicate them. If you don’t, you are going to create some really confusing relationships, both for you and everyone else involved.
One way to quickly get someone to question your character or authenticity? Say one thing and do another. Sometimes we're afraid to confront others with truth in love or relationships. We're afraid to tell people what we really want, to admit that we hate going to certain restaurants or have trouble spending time with a partner's toxic friend or hate when a client calls us at 6 p.m. on a Friday. We conceal our true feelings because we're scared of people's reactions. The more you ground yourself with your boundaries and values, the more you'll be able to be very clear in your communication.
Your life will absolutely change when you start setting up healthy boundaries for yourself.