Returning to my Roots

Years ago if you would’ve told me I’d be where I am today, I would’ve laughed and said “no way”.

I was a shy girl, naïve and full of wonder. I was curious about everything and simply loved observing the world, but participating in it never came easy to me. 

I spent the first 17 years of my life living under my parent’s roof, and never just one roof. My parents moved us around….a lot. I went to five different high schools, and the longest period of time I lived in one single place was grades 2-5 when I lived in the house my grandparents once owned. I consider this my “childhood home”.

It was after 5th grade that my parents sold the house and everything we owned, including our beds, to move us one state over to Ohio. We left our family and friends in Indiana so that my parents could pursue a very short-lived educational stint in music at a televised, evangelical bible school. They were passionate about God and music and hoped to combine the two and make it their life-long work.

At the time, my sisters and I were devastated to move to a place we didn’t know but looking back, it was the best decision my parents ever made.

Upon graduating from high school, I couldn’t wait to get out of my parent’s house. I wanted to see the world and was tired of being told how to live and what to believe. I wanted to live life the way I wanted to so I left home and a mere 6 months later I met a guy holding a guitar who swept me off my feet. A month after that I got pregnant.

I spent the next 17 years of my life trying to get to know that man and raise our baby. During those years, I was mom and wife.

I loved being a mom, but I fell out of love with being a wife.

That 17-year relationship was a roller-coaster of emotions, challenges, and down-right toxic. However, I didn't see it that way while I was in it. In fact, I just assumed that this is just marriage. It has its ups and downs, and it wasn't always that bad. There were some good times in there too. 

It was those speckled in moments of goodness that I held onto. That, and not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to completely change my life, or change my kid's life. Not wanting things to be different. Not wanting to admit that my marriage was falling apart. 

I felt ashamed for putting up with the things I did, over and over again. I feared that if I'd leave, I'd have no one to support me financially. I got used to our lifestyle and the money that was coming in.

I had never felt secure growing up. I always moved (every year!), and I grew up poor. Having that security meant so much to me, and I wanted my daughter to have that too. 

But inside, I was dying. I was alone, even though I wasn't physically alone. I felt more and more drained energetically, and started to have health issues. Only, I didn't know that those health issues were related to my emotional problems. 

I'd wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air. Or wake up in complete paralysis. I had severe skin rashes spread across my neck and upper chest. I'd break out in sweat anytime I'd have to face conflict, or deal with even the slightest stressful situation. My entire chest would get red and blotchy. I started to have muscle aches and developed tumors. I had insane digestive issues too.

I was living a seemingly healthy lifestyle doing yoga, eating organic and clean, and even dabbled in meditation, so I thought I had been doing everything right.

It wasn't until I saw the rash spread across my body when my husband came home from work that a light bulb came on and I had that "ah-ha" moment. A heavy feeling poured over me. It was like I had been crushed by a wave. I felt intense anxiety and knew that was it. That’s what was making me ill, the stress and my emotions. I was beyond unhappy in my marriage and knew I had to either try to fix it or get out.

I attempted to fix it numerous times, but it didn’t work. And when you have something, anything that is broken, you can either try to repair it and hope that it still works okay, or you eventually come to realize it’s beyond repair and you have to just let it go. My marriage was like a broken vessel, shattered in a million pieces.

I eventually got the courage to end the relationship. It wasn’t easy, but I suppose I never expected it to be. Change is never easy, but it’s always necessary for transformation and growth. The years following my divorce was nothing short of that.

I had gone through so much change and was finally starting to rediscover parts of myself that had been deeply buried. I also grew in more ways than I ever thought was possible.

It was the catalyst I needed to start taking risks and explore the deepest parts of myself that ultimately led me down a path of spirituality, exploring aspects of life again with a sense of wonder like the child I once was, and learning more about what excites me, brings me joy, as well as what doesn’t.

Some of the things that helped me get through this big change in my life, provided healing, and kept me looking forward, were the practices that I started to include in my day-to-day life.

Practices like yoga, energy work like Reiki, qigong, kundalini yoga, meditation. I even did some shamanic journeying, and invested in myself, taking classes I enjoyed, furthering my education and pursuing my passions. I got outside more, did more grounding work, and continued to purge and release emotions.

I made myself a priority, for once, instead of everyone else. Is that selfish? No, it’s called taking care of yourself so that you can be there in the best of ways for those you love, and for the world.

I finally began to feel like I am part of this world and not simply an observer, and that I have a voice and should use it. I finally started to feel at peace with who I am, and am fully embracing that.

The biggest relationship you should have in your life is the one you have with yourself. It’s the most important one, and one we often neglect. Don’t turn your back on her, don’t ignore her. She’s trying to help you each and every day. Support her, listen to her, respect her, and you will have a healthy and vibrant life.